Push

Putting yourself out there is hard.  No one is 100% comfortable 100% of the time.  Even celebrities who chose a career out of putting themselves out there want their time away from the spotlight.  My point, is that everyone has a comfort zone and everyone struggles to move beyond it.

In planning to write this I let myself get distracted by Facebook, fixing my computer, and countless other things.  Because writing something that I felt was a little too real is difficult.  I’m a fairly reserved person.  I don’t show my true self, the one with vulnerabilities and less cutting sarcasm frequently.  Heck, I’m sure my husband would rather she were around more than the normal me.  <——see the sarcasm

But, the truth is, I’ve always been a small circle kind of person.  After the initial, around the time of puberty, pull of wanting to be in the popular crowd I realized that I was rather happier with a small group of friends.  Throughout high school and college I have 2-3 close friends that I’d spend the majority of my time with.  When I moved from California to Idaho after college I found myself for the first time without any friends.

Of course I had those I left behind and those friends are the same from high school, the kind you stay friends with forever.  But, moving to a new state with no one to know but my fiance and his parents was lonely.  Introverted by nature, I didn’t need a ton of time with friends.  I just missed getting together with people outside of home.

I finally made a friend.  The wife of my, by then, husband’s friend.  We’d each tell our husband that we should invite the other to do something then never do it.  We mostly just texted.  Even though we lived around the corner from each other.  But the year we both got pregnant we seemed to really bond.

We already knew we had a lot in common.  We talked about our similar tastes in shows, books, movies, games, etc.  We bonded over our pregnancies and planning our showers and nurseries.  We planned for our kids to grow up together. Summer afternoon get togethers, bbq’s, the basic suburbia dream.  Then the shit hit the fan.  You can read about my friend break up in a past post.

What I wish I knew when this friendship was forming is something that came to light after her betrayal.  Many times she would have stood me up or cancelled had her husband not held her to her commitments.  In short, we became friends because he made her.  Oh, how I wish he never bothered.  Do you know how much it hurts to not only figure out during a fight with someone you consider almost family that they clearly don’t value you the same way, or at all, and then to find out that she basically never wanted to be friends in the first place.

I’m seriously like the broken ex-girlfriend who can’t see why it’s worth it to put herself out there.  Yes I have my core group of long distance friends but it’s lonely being somewhere and not having someone.  And It’s scary putting yourself out there.  What if they tell me I’m worthless too?

It’s awe inspiring, to me, the ease with which children make friends.  The innocence of their limited experience clear upon their faces.  These other toddlers aren’t just looking out for what they can get from you.  They just want someone to play with them.  Adults could use a lesson in that.  What advice would you give a thirty-something scaredy-cat who is afraid to make friends?

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